
The Beantown Choir 



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^ 



The Beantown Choir 

A Farcical Entertainment in Three Acts 



By 
WALTER BEN HARE 

Author of "The Boy Scouis," "Chrts/^nas with the Mulligamr 
^nhe Camp Fire Girls r -A Couple of Million, "The Dutch 
Detective;' " The Hoodoo,'' " The Heiress Hunters, "Isosce- 
les " "Much Ado About Betty," "A Pageant of History, 
** Professor Pepp," "Teddy, or. The Runaways: " The 
White Christmas," "The Adventures of Grandpa, 
'< Grandma Gibbs of the Red Cross," "The Scout 
Master, " " Twelve Old Maids, " " Over Here, ' ' etc. 



BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1919 



The Beantown Choir 



CHARACTERS 



The Widow Wood, of course she would, all loidows would. 

Beth Wood, her stepdaughter, a real sweet girl. 

Hezekiah Doolittle, _;>5/ as full of fnischief as a dog is of fleas. 

Mrs. Do-ree-mee Scales, the director of the choir, pity her! 

Belinda Snix, who orter be in grand opera, orsomewheres. 

Tessie Tooms, who pianns and organs jest lovely. 

Sallie Etta Pickle, who takes high C jest like a cough-drop. 

Mandy Hamslinger, her voice was cultivated on the cultivator. 

Birdie Cackle, a twittering birdie whojings like a lark, ersump'm. 

Grandmaw Howler, who d be a good singer yet, if her voice had 

' a held out. 
Samantha Sniggins, aged eight, little, but— oh, my I 
Bashful Bill Boomer, long on bass but short on nerve. 

Male Quartet, and two Men for Tableau. Jedediah Girls quartet. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The choir rehearses. Discord. 

Act II. The donation party. A forte climax and a crash. 

Act III. The concert. Harmony. 




Copyright, 19 19, by Walter Ben Hare 

Free for amateur performance. Professional stage 
and jnoving picture rights reserved. 

©C!,D ■527L'.. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

The Widow Wood. — Aged 46. Wrinkle the face with 
soft lead pencil. Rouge should be plentifully applied high 
up on the cheek bones. Broaden and blacken the eye- 
brows. Wear nose-glasses. The role requires a good 
loud-speaking voice and a commanding carriage. It is the 
leading part in the play and should be carefully rehearsed. 
For the first act she wears a house dress and apron, 
changing to the ludicrous costume described in the play 
for the latter part of the act. In the second act she wears 
a wrapper or kimono and has her jaw tied up with red 
flannel and white bandages. In the third act she wears an 
elaborate wedding dress, veil, wreath, etc. This role does 
not require singing ability. 

Beth. — Aged 20. A sweet, pretty girl who can sing 
soprano. Simple house dress in Acts I and II. White 
dress with large white hat in Act III. . 

Hezekiah. — A gawky country boy of about 18. 
White socks, large shoes, tan suit much too small for him, 
red necktie, funny hat. Touseled red or blond wig and 
eyebrows painted to match. Freckle the face all over 
with black dots. Draw white lines around the eyes. A 
great role for a low comedian played similarly to the 
Fatty Arbuckle roles in the moving pictures. Learn the 
lines exactly as written and practice all the funny falls, 
business, etc., at each rehearsal. Speak loud and slow 
but in a childish voice. This part has been successfully 
played by a lady on several occasions. Dry front teeth 
then cover two with hot black grease paint. 

Mrs, Scales. — The choir directress. Old-fashioned 
costumes, very elaborate. Change costumes in each act. 
Should be played by a middle-aged woman if possible. 
Make-up should not be grotesque. She carries a tuning 
fork, and marks time for the singers in Acts I and II. 
Her first name should be pronounced Do-re-me, the first 
three notes of the scale. 



4 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Belinda. — A good soprano singer. Old-fashioned cos- 
tumes, somewhat grotesque. The quarrel scene with 
Sallie needs careful rehearsing and it can be made very 
funny, by waving the arms, crying, shouting and clench- 
ing. For the Jingle Bells tableau she wears a pretty win- 
ter costume, hat, furs, etc. 

Tessie. — The pianist. Funny old-fashioned costumes 
changing for each act. For Act III she wears an elabo- 
rate evening costume with exaggerated coiffure. 

Sallie. — Funny old maid. Grotesque costumes, coif- 
fure and make-up. Side-curls, lace mitts, reticule, striped 
stockings, mincing walk, high-pitched voice. This is a 
very funny part and can be made one of the hits of the 
play if the actress will play it in a broad comedy manner 
and costume it for comedy effect. 

Mandy. — Pretty young girl soprano. Old-fashioned 
costumes. Scotch costume for Annie Laurie tableau. 

Birdie. — Pretty young girl alto. Old-fashioned cos- 
tumes. Spanish costume of orange and black lace, man- 
tilla, yellow rose over ear, high comb, etc., for Juanita 
costume. 

Grandmav^. — Old lady in black old-fashioned dress, 
white apron and cap. Large cane and black megaphone 
for ear trumpet. Walk bent over, speak in high-pitched 
old woman's voice. Hands tremble all the time. White 
hair and large spectacles. Neat gray costume with white 
lace fichu for Act IlL 

Samantha. — A pert little girl. Childish costumes 
somewhat old-fashioned. This part could be played by 
small woman, if desired. 

Bill. — Bashful bass singer in old-fashioned costumes. 
Negro make-up in Act IlL 

Jedediah Chorus Men. — Full dress coats with buttons 
covered with tinfoil. Gray trousers. High collars made 
by turning up a turn-over collar. Ruffled white shirts, 
black bow ties. 

Jedediah Girls. — Hoop skirts, pantalettes, bell-crown 
bonnets tied under chins. Hair down in curls. 



i 

1 



The Beantown Choir 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Parlor at the Widow Wood's home in Bean- 
town No scenery required. A plain, old-fashioned 
room with a piano down l. and mtrances at L. and r. 
A small platform concealed by chenille curtains is at 
rear center. Table with chairs dozvn r. Sofa and 
chairs up R. and l. Use old-fashioned furniture, pic- 
tures, ornaments, etc. 

{At the rise of the curtain Beth Wood is seen seated 
at the piano. She sings the first sianca and chorus 
of " Love's Old Sweet Song " and is well started on 
the second stanza when Widow Wood enters from r. 
and surveys her angrily.) 

WiD. Is that all you've got to do ? 

Beth. I was just resting a minute. The cakes are in 
the oven. 

Wid. You disturbed me while I was getting my beauty 
sleep up-stairs. How kin a body sleep when you're 
squawking down here like a delirious chicken with its 
head cut off? Are the sandwiches made? (Beth nods.) 
And the cream friz ? 

Beth. Hezekiah's freezing it now. 

Wid. You made the lemonade, didn't you ? 

Beth. It's in the ice-box. 

Wid. Dinner dishes washed and put away? (Beth 
nods.) So you hain't got nothin' to do but to set down 
to my pianny and play " Love's Old Sweet Song," hay ? 

Beth. I'm sorry if I disturbed you. 

Wid. You're allers a-disturbin' me. That's all the 
thanks I git fer givin' you a good home and everything. 

Beth, I try to help you all I can. 

5 



6 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

WiD. Yes, by playin' on my pianny when I need the 
beauty sleep. I suppose the minister is comin' to the 
choir rehearsal this afternoon and you're practicing up 
fer him? 

Beth. No, he said he wasn't coming. 

WiD. Is that what he was teUin' you down at the gate 
last night? I thought he never would go and we'd have 
him here fer breakfast in the morning. Now you see 
here, Beth Wood, I ain't goin* to have no sich carry- 
ings-on at my front gate, even ef he is a minister. You 
tell him he can't come no more. You ain't old enough to 
kite around with the men yet, minister er no minister. 

Betpi. I'm nearly twenty. 

WiD. I was over forty when I married your paw. 

Beth, Yes, I know. 

WiD. (sharply). I don't want no sass outa you, even 
if you air my stepdaughter. Ain't I got enough to bother 
about? It took me all morning to write that memorial 
poem to Brother Botts and even now I ain't got no rhyme 
to Botts. 

Beth. Pots. (Crosses to c. e.) 

WiD. Pots ain't poetical and you know It. Ef he'd 
'a' owned any real-estate I could 'a' said sump'm about 
lots, but he didn't. I ain't got the last verse done yet and 
the choir's due at two o'clock, and you a-squawkin' love 
songs and bangin' on my pianny, actually I'm so dis- 
tracted that I dunno whether I'm standin' feet-up er 
head-up. (Sinks in chair.) Oh, I'm upsot, I'm all up- 
sot. What was the minister a-talkin' to you about? 

Beth. Well, he said (Pauses.) He said 

WiD. Took him purt' nigh two hours to say it. What 
was it? 

Beth. He said he liked my pumpkin pie I took to the 
social. 

WiD. Your punkin pie ? Yottr punkin pie ! My pun- 
kins, wasn't they? My eggs, my lard, my sugar, my 
spices. All you did was to make it. (Beth touches por- 
tieres.) You come away from that memorial. Don't 
you dasst touch it. 

Beth. All right. 




THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 7 

I never see sicli a gal. Lazy, good- for- noth- 

Mrs. Wood ! 
Well, what is it? 
I don't know what to do. I try so hard to 
please you, but I can't. Everything I. do seems to be 
wrong. I don't know why it is. Maybe I'd better leave 
you and see if I can get a job in the city. 

WiD. Leave me? Leave me! And have every 
tongue-waggin' gossip in Beantown sayin' that I'm a cruel 
stepmother. Hush up that snifflin' ! Don't you dasst to 
cry on my chenille portieres. Get a job in the city, hay? 
Why, folks 'ud say I treated you like a slave. I ain't ^ 
a-goin' to have 'em say that, even if I do, which I don't. 
You do your work and send that minister a-kitin', and 
stay in at night, and milk the cows, and do the farm 
chores and you won't hear no complaint from me. Come 
away from that memorial. You're liable to drag them 
portieres down, and I ain't goin' to have that picture un- 
veiled until the unveilin' time comes. 

Beth {crosses hack to piano). All right. 

WiD. My brother Botts v.^as the director of the Bean- 
town choir fer thirty years before he crossed into the 
River Jerden, and it is befittin' that they be the first to 
gaze on his picture. It is to be the surprise of the after- 
noon. Tessie Toops will play " We Shall Meet, But We 
Shall Miss Him," and we'll all sing it, and at the begin- 
ning of the second verse I'll pull back the curtains and 
there he'll be. 

Beth. They'll be surprised, I'm sure. 

WiD. Surprised ? Well, I should think they would. 
It's a life-size crayon portrait and it cost me eight dollars 
and eighty-five cents, to say nothin' of the easel and the 
frame. 

Beth. I am sure it will be a lovely memorial to your 
brother's memory. 

WiD. You bet it will. Finer'n anything in Beantown 
outside the cemetery. I been aimin' to have Brother 
Bottses tintype enlarged to life-size crayon fer years, and 
now it's did, and it'll be the sensation of the town. 



8 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

Beth. Doesn't any one know anything about it ? 

WiD. Not a word. I set it up and put them curtains 
up to cover it till the proper moment arrives fer the un- 
veilin'. Maybe I'll have your paw enlarged some time, 
when I git the money from the lower eighty. Some 
folks'll say I orter did it now, me bein' his widowed wife 
in mournin' fer nearly two years, but Brother Botts was 
sich a prominent man, him being the director of the Bean- 
town choir fer over thirty years — I jist owed a memorial 
to his musical memory. I know the minister will be im- 
pressed, him being musical, too. I'm sorry he ain't comin' 
to the rehearsal. 

Beth. He said he had to make some calls out in the 
country. 

WiD. My, my, how confidential you two must* have 
got there at my garden gate. And all on account of a 
punkin pie. Say, hain't we got another one of them pies 
out in the ice-box? 

Beth. Yes. 

WiD. I'm going to send it to him with my compli- 
ments. And I'm going to tell him it was.iny pie that 
made the impression on him last night. I'm goin' to send 
him over a hull pie this minute. (Goes to door at l. and 
calls loudly. ) Hezekiah ! 

Hezekiah (outside at l., hazvls). Huh? Whatcha 
want ? 

WiD. I want you to go on a errant over to the min- 
ister's. 

Hez. (outside). I can't. Vm a-turnin' the ice-cream, 
and puttin' the dishes away on the buttery shelf. 

WiD. You come here this minute. 

Hez. Can't. I got my hands full, I tell ye. 

Wtd. You drop what you're a-doin' and come here at 
once when I speak to you. 

Hez. (yells). What say? 

WiD. Drop what you're doin' and come here. 

(Loud crash of breaking dishes heard outside L.) 

Br:TH. Goodness, the dishes! 

WiD. My thunder to Betsy, I'll skin that boy alive. 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 



(Hez. appears at L.) 



Hez. (grins). I dropped it. 

WiD. 'what did you break now ? 

Hez. Soup tureen, soup bowl, butter dish, two cups 
and three sassers. You says drop 'em, and (makes ges- 
ture) blooey, they dropped! 

WiD. (rushes at him, grabs him and shakes him). I'll 
learn you, I'll learn you ! 

Hez. You don't have to larn me. I know how al- 
ready. Droppin' soup tureens and sassers is one of the 
best tricks I do. 

WiD. (pushes him to l.). Oh, you heathen! You 
great, big, awkward, lummoxy, butter-fingered, addle- 
headed, over-weight gawk! 

Hez. Gosh ! I didn't know they was so many words 
in the dictionary. 

(She jerks him out at L.) 

Beth (takes letter from pocket and reads it). "My 
dear Elizabeth, I love you better than anything on earth 
and feel that you are the only woman in the whole world 
who could make my happiness complete. True, I have 
known you but a short time, but who could know you at 
all without loving you, the dearest, sweetest Httle woman 
on earth. I want to marry you at once, as life is a 
dreary aching void without you. May I hope? To- 
morrow night is the concert given by the choir to cele- 
brate the close of my second year in Beantown. Why 
could we not arise after the concert and have Brother 
Layman, the presiding elder, unite us in the holy bonds of 
matrimony? I shall return from my country visitations 
late to-night ; if you consent to my plan put a pot of 
blooming geraniums on the gate-post and make me the 
happiest man in the world. Let us keep our plans a se- 
cret until the ceremony, and believe me, sincerely and de- 
votedly your own, Richard Manly." 

(She smiles, gives a deep sigh of joy and kisses the 
letter.) 



10 THE BnANTOWN CHOIR 

Enter Mrs. Scales, Belinda Snix and Tessie Tooms 
from R. 

Belinda. We walked right in just like we owned the 
place. I guess you didn't hear us knock. 

Beth {puts letter under hook on piano; embarrassed) . 
No. (Shakes hands with them.) But we are always 
glad to see you. How well you are looking, Mrs. Scales. 

Mrs. vS. Well, e£ I do my feelings belie my looks. I 
ain't hardly able to be out o' bed, much less direct the final 
rehearsal of the Beantown choir. But business is busi- 
ness, and here I am. 

(Mrs. S. moves to piano, removing bonnet, shawl and 
lace mitts.) 

Beth. I'm awfully glad to see you, Miss Snix. 
Bel. Thank you, Bethy. You're lookin' real sweet 
to-day. I suppose the widder hain't dressed yet? 

{Joins Mrs. S., removing wraps.) 

Beth. Oh, yes. She's out in the kitchen. 

Bel. {to Mrs. S.). That's a good sign. That means 
we're goin' to have sump'm to eat. 

Tess. {shaking hands with Beth at r.). Are we the 
first ones here? 

Beth. Yes, and Mrs. Wood will be so glad, for you 
are her closest friends. 

Tess. You're looking right well. 

Beth {laughs). Oh, I'm always well. Come in here, 
ladies, and take off your things. {Opens door at r.) 

Bel. {crossing to r. with Mrs. S.). I hope some of 
the men-folks in the choir will turn up. " 

Ti:ss. You're always thinking about the men, Be- 
linda. 

Bi-.L. Not necessarily. But I dunno how we're goin' 
to have any part singin', less'n some basses and tenors 
shovv's up. [Exit, R. 

Tess. Ain't it the truth ! • [Exit, R. 

Mrs. S. Well, if they don't show up fer the last re- 
hearsal the concert is goin' to be a failure. I kin direct a 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 11 

choir all right but goodness knows I can't sing tenor and 
bass, too. I'm strainin' my voice as it is. [Exit, R. 

Enter Wid. from l., carrying a broom and leading Hez. 
by the ear. Hez. carries a pumpkin pie on a plate, 
covered with a napkin. 

Wid. Now you march straight over to the minister's 
and tell him the Widder Wood is sendin' him one of her 
own punkin pies with her compliments, and don't you 
dasst to fall down and break that pie, and don't you eat 
none of it. {Suddenly.) Hezekiah Doolittle, you take 
your thumb out'n that pie er I'll lamm the daylights outa 
you. 

Hez. You let go my ear. I can't do nothin' with you 
a-holdin' my ear. You're a-hurtin' me. My ear's tender, 
so it is. 

Wid. I'll tender you ef you break that pie. 

{Goes to piano; Hez. crosses to r.) 

Hez. {peeps under the napkin). Gosh, that looks good. 

Wid. Beth, I want you to sweep off the front porch, 
and there's a little dirt in here. {Sweeps.) You don't 
never half do your work. (Hez. sneezes.) Don't you 
dasst to sneeze in that pie. 

Hez. {balancing the plate on his finger tips). I can't 
help sneezi'n', kin I ? Sump'm tickled my nose and I jest 
had to sneeze er bust. {Sneezes.) Ker-choo. 

{Nearly drops the pie. Wid. rushes to him and hits 
him with the broom. ) 

Wid. There ! 

Hez. {trips and falls, spilling pie on floor). There! 

{Sits on floor.) 

Wid. It's busted, the plate's busted and the pie's 
busted. {Hits him with broom.) 

Hez. {rubs his back where she hit him). I'm busted, 
too. {Eats the pie.) 

Wid. {angrily). Get up. 



12 THE BEANTOWM CHOIR 

Hkz. (with closed lips meaning '' no "). Um-umph. 
WiD. You get up ! 
Hez. Don't you hit me. 

(Geis up on feet clumsily with his elbows still on 
floor.) 

WiD. {hits him with the bfoom, knocking him down 
again). Spoil my pie, will you? You get right out there 
in the buttery and git that other pie and if you break that 
one,,ril wallop you till you warp. 

{He crawls out on knees at l., she zvhacking him with 
the broom and he yelling loudly. Mrs. S., Bel. and 
Tess. appear at r. ) 

Bel. {sinks in chair at r., almost fainting). Oh, it's a 
burglar, it's a burglar. I'm faint. Fan me. Help ! 

Tess. {fans her). No, it hain't. 

Mrs. S. {at c). What is it? Who was being mur- 
dered? Was it a tramp or a thief? 

WiD. It was Hezekiah. Beth, you clean up all that 
muss. He spilled a pie on the floor. {Shakes hands with 
the ladies.) I'm so glad to see you. Just set down and 
make yourselves at home. I've been so upsot in the 
kitchen that I ain't had time to finish my costume. Ex- 
cuse me, jest a minute. Beth, you entertain them and 
then go and sweep off the front stoop. And you'd better 
look at the cakes in the oven. I hate scorchy cakes. 

[Exit, R. 

Beth. Excuse me, while I look after the cakes. 

[Exit, L. 

Mrs. S. Ain't she an angel though ? A regular angel 
fallen right down from the skies. If ever there was a 
fallen angel it's Bethy Woods. And the widder treats 
her worse'n pizen. 

Tess. She makes her a regular slave. It's a wonder 
the child don't run away. 

Bel. She works her like a nigger from morning till 
night, and won't let her go down to the village, er have 
company, er nothin*. 



THE BfiANfToWN CHOIR Ij 

Mrs. S. The preacher took her home from the meet- 
ing last night. 

Bel. He did ? Wall, I want to know. 

Mrs. S. I saw 'em when they passed by my house and 
I was so surprised that I nearly fell outa the open win- 
dow. 

Tess. Beth and the minister! Well, I never thought 
of that. It would make a lovely match, but what'll Sallie 
Etta say? 

Bel. Sallie Etta Pickle will be left again, that's all. 
She's had her eyes on the minister ever since he set foot 
in Beantown two years ago. 

Mrs. S. It would be a blessing if he married Beth. 

Bel. Hush, she's coming. 

Enter Beth from l., carrying pie en plate and followed 
by Hez. 

Beth. You won't let this one drop, will you, Hezekiah? 

Hez. Betcher life I won't. I'd do anything fer you, 
Bethy. 

Beth. Tell Mr. Manly's housekeeper to tell him that 
the geranium will be blooming to-morrow night. 

Hez. Geranium? Whatcha talkin' about? Hain't 
they bloomin' all the time? 

Beth. You'll tell her, won't you? 

Hez. Betcher life. 

(Mrs. S. crosses to piano.) 

Mrs. S. Tessie, let's run over Belinda's solo before 
the others come. 

(Tess. plays piano, Bel. sings "A Life Lesson" or 
" There, Little Girl, Don't Cry.") 

Tess. That's lovely. You're going to make an awful 
hit to-morrow night, Belinda. 

Hez. (starts to cry). Oh, oh, oh! 

Others. What's the matter, Hezekiah? 

Hez. That song makes me sad, breakin' her doll and 
her heart and everything. (Cries loudly.) Gosh, it's pa- 



14 THE BEANTOWN CKOtR 

thetical. There, little girl, don't cry. (Sobs.) Never i 
heerd anything so blamed pathetical in all my born days 

(Exit at R., carrying pie and crying loudly.) 

Bel. What's Miss Pickle going to sing, Do-ree-my?^ 
Mrs. S. She hadn't decided last night, but she said I', 

she'd let me know to-day. 

Tess. She orter sing " Men May Come and Men May 

Go, But I Go On Forever." 

(Knock at door R. Beth opens the door, admitting 
Sallie Pickle.) 

Bel. Well, speaking of angels, you'll smell brimstone 
every time 

Sallie. Am -I late? Oh, I'm so sorry. It took me 
quite a spell to dress. I kinda thought the minister would 
be here and he always likes this dress so much. And of 
course a girl like me wants to please her minister. 

Mrs. S. Girl? 

Bel. Did you say girl ? 

Sal. That's what I said. I ain't a day over twenty- 
five and well you know it, Belinda Snix. 

(They argue in pantomime.) 

(Beth opens door at r. and admits Mandy Ham- 
SLiNGER and Birdie Cackle. They all shake hands 
and exchange greetings.) 

Mrs. S. (to Mandy). How's your voice to-day? Got 
over that cold ? 

Mandy. I'm a little hoarse. Lemme try it. (Sings 
scale up and down rapidly. ) How's that ? 

(Betpi takes wraps, hats, etc., and exits at r.) 

Mrs. S. I think you flatted a little on the d. Try it 
again. 

Birdie. Fm sure she did. Listen at these trills. 

(Bird, sings trills and Man. sings the scales. After a 
short time Bel. starts to sing ah-ah-ah exercise. All 
sing softly at first, hut get louder and louder, and 
finally Tess. starts to play fast song on piano. This 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 1 5 

is good comic business, but it should not be unduly 
prolonged. ) 

Mrs. S. Ladies! {Louder.) Ladies! {Yells.) 
Ladies! {Noise stops.) We can't have such a discord. 
Take your seats, please. And remember that Do-ree- 
my Scales is the director of this choir. Tessie, take 
your place at the piano. Now we'll start off at once. 

{Specialty introduced. Ladies' quartet or solo and 
chorus. At the end of the specialty Beth enters, 
followed by Grandmaw Howler and Samantija 
Sniggins. Ladies go to Grandmaw and shake hands 
and excJ^ange greetings. Grandmaw is very " deef " 
and carries a black megaphone which she uses as an 
ear-trumpet. ) 

Grandmaw. Wall, wall, here you all be jest as snug 
IS a bug in a rug. I thought I wasn't goin' to be able to 
^come, 'cause I had an accident. 

Samantha. Yep, she lost her false teeth. 

Gran. What you sayin', Samanthy? 

Sam. I said you lost your teeth. 

Gran, {puts up ear-trumpet). Hay? 

Sam. Teeth, teeth, teeth I 

Gran. Beef? What you talkin' about? We hain't 
had no beef fer a coon's age. 

Others {yell). Teeth, teeth, teeth. She said you lost 
your teeth. 

Gran. Yes, that's so. I am a little deef, but there 
hain't no one hardly notices it. 

Sam. She found 'em again, in the water bucket. I 
was playin' they was submarines. 

Sal. {sings scale). Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, si, do. 

{Descends scale. Man. sings scale in another key.) 

Mrs. S. Here, here, ladies. Ladies ! Keep still. 
You're out of order. 

Gran. What say? What say, Doreemy? 
Mrs. S. I said Sallie Etta Pickle is out of order. 
Gran, {goes to Sal. and looks her over). Out o' or- 



1 6 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 



1 



der, hay? Well, you do look kinda pindly. You orter 
use Codliver Purple Pills. 

Mrs. S. Birdie Cackle, have you decided on your 
solo ? 

Bird. No, I haven't. I want something that'll show 
off my voice. 

Sal. You orter sing-*' I Cannot Sing the Old Songs." 

Bird. Is that so ? Well, you orter sing " Forsaken 
Am I." 

Mrs. S. I wonder what's keepin' the widder? 

Beth. She'll be down in a minute. She's writing a 
poem. 

All. a poem ? 

Mrs. S. What about? 

Beth. A little surprise. 

Mrs. S. Places all. We'll practice " My Old Ken- 
tucky Home " and {to audience) I want every one to join 
in the chorus. Don't be afraid. Maybe if you sing out 
real good we'll give you a plac-e in the Beantown choir. 
Ready! All rise. Ready at the piano, Tessie. {Beats 
time.) Down, left, right, up. Sing!*' 

{All sing. "My Old Kentucky Home.") 

Gran. Wasn't that jest lovely? I tell you these here 
new-flangled songs ain't near as sweet as the songs of the 
long ago. When Brother Botts used to conduct the Bean- 
town choir I was the leadin' sopranno and folks 'ud come 
fer miles around jest to hear me sing " There is a Green 
Hill." I'd be the head sopranno yet if my voice had 'a' 
held out. {Sings high note.) There, what do you think 
of that? 

All. Perfectly lovely. 

Sam. Sounded like a chicken to me. {Goes to c. e.) 

Gran. Samanthy, you come away from them curtains. 
You're liable to pull 'em down, er sump'm. Ain't you 
goin' to favor us with a song, Sallie Etta Pickle? You 
hain't much on carryin' a tune, but your high notes is 
grand. You take high C jest like a cough-drop. 

Mrs. S. Yes, Sallie, I got to know what you're going 
to sing at the concert to-morrow night. 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR I7 

Enter Hez. from r. 

Hez. I give her the punkin pie to give him and told 
her about the geraniums. 

Beth. Thank you, Hezekiah. 

Hez. I reckon I'll take a seat and set down and listen 
to the music. I kin stand it ef you kin. 

Mrs. S. Are you ready, Sallie ? 

Sal. {sits at piano). Oh, yes. I've decided on this. 

(Sings first stanza of " A Life Lesson," somewhat out 
of tune and ending in a discord. Hez. howls like a 
dog.) 

Mrs. S. Hezekiah Doolittle, shet up. 

Hez. But 

Mrs. S. {loudly). Shet up. 

Hez. I'm shet. {Shuts his mouth with his hands.) 

Bel. But I'm going to sing that song myself. {Starts 
to sing first verse. Sal. starts second verse at the same 
time. They sing two lines then stop and glare at each 
other.) It's my song. 

Sal. It hain't either. It's my song. It brings out my 
voice so good. 

Hez. You don't want nothin' to bring out your voice. 
You want sump'm to shut it in. 

Bel. and Sal. {sing together). There, little girl, don't 
cry. 

Sal. You hush up. 

Bel. I won't. I'm goin' to sing it. Keep still and 
learn how it orter be sung. 

Bel. and Sal. {sing). There, little girl, don't cry 

{They stop and glare at each other.) 

Hez. (sings). There, little girl, don't ciy. 
Sal. (takes music from piano, comes to front, opens 
music and starts to sing). There, little girl, don't cry. 
Bel. (grabs music). That's my music. 

(They struggle for music. They slap one another and 
tear at each other's hair.) 



1 8 THE BliANIOVVN CHOIR 

Hez. Hit her in the eye. Sic 'em, Fritz. Give her 
an upper cut. 

(Sal. and Bel. continue to fight, screaming, "Give it 
to me,' " I'll show you," etc. Hez. claps his hands 
and goads them on. Other ladies are very much ex- 
cited and try to stop them.) 

Sam. Hit her hard, hit her hard. We hain't had as 
much fun since the circus. 
Mrs. S. Ladies! Ladies! 

{Pulls Sal. to l., where she sinks in chair.) 
Tess. Ain't you 'shamed ? 

(Ptdls Bel. to r., where she sinks in chair.) 

Sal. (weeping loudly). Oh, such a disgrace! I never 
was treated so before. Oh, oh ! (Cries loudly.) 

Hez. (go^s to her and sings very much out of tune). 
There, Httle girl, don't cry. 

(She jumps at him and pulls his hair and chases him 
around the room.) 

Sal. I'll show you. 

Hez. You don't have to show me nothin*. 

Mrs. S. I think you'd better kiss and make up. The 
idea of you two fighting. Kiss and make up. Will you, 
Sallie Etta Pickle? 

Sal. Yes, I will. 

Hez. Well, I won't. I ain't goin' to 'low no female 
lady kiss me no time and no place, no siree. 

Mrs. S. I wasn't referring to you, Hezekiah Doolittle. 
You get out of here. 

Hez. (at door, l.). I'm a-goin', 'cause I ain't goin* to 
let nobody kiss me. 

^ Sal. (throws sofa cushion at him). I'd just as leave 
kiss a snake. 

Hez. Well, I'd ruther have you kiss a snake. (Sings 
loudly.) There, little girl, don't cry. [Exit, L. 

Mrs. S. Now, Belinda, hain't you sorry? 

Bel. Yes, I am. I haven't nothin' agin Sallie Etta. 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR IQ 

Sal. No, ner I ain't got nothin* agin Belinda. I al- 
ways did like her. 

Bel. {crosses to c). She's a better singer than I am 
anyway. 

Sal. {meets her at c). No, I hain't. 

Bel. Yes, you are. 

Sal, I hain't. 

Bel. You are ! 

Sal. {waves arms). You are, you are, you know you 
are. When I say you are it's so. 

Bel. {waves arms). I ain't, I ain't, I know I hain't. 
You've been singin' longer than me. 

Sal. {speaking rapidly to Bel., who is speaking to her 
at the same time). Now, Belinda Snix, you're a nice gal 
and a good singer and I've decided that I don't want to 
sing '' There, Little Girl, Don't Cry " anyhow. You kin 
take the low notes better than I kin and you've had more 
city trainin'. If you want to sing that song you go ahead 
and sing it. I guess there's plenty of other songs I kin 
sing. It hain't suited much to my register nohow and I 
believe I'd ruther sing a funny song, anyhow. 

Bel. {speaking rapidly to Sal., who is speaking the 
speech above at same time). Now, Sallie Etta Pickle, 
I'm goin' to give in to you, 'cause you're older than I am 
and I ain't sure I want to sing " There, Little Girl, Don't 
Cry " anyhow. If you want that piece, why take it. 
Far be it from me from causin' a disturbance right in 
church and under the preacher's very nose, you might say. 
If you want to sing the song, go ahead and sing it. You 
allers like to take high notes so as to show off your ca- 
denzas and sich, so I won't offer no objections. I'd 
ruther sing a funny song, anyhow. 

Sal. So you can sing it if you want to. 

Bel. I won't. 

Sal. You will. {Waves arms at her.) 

Bel. I say I won't. {Same business.) 

Mrs. S. Order, ladies, order. Sit down. Belinda, 
you sit down. And likewise you, Sallie Etta. Come to 
order. We've got to proceed with the proceedings. All 
stand up and git ready to tackle the Hallelujah Chorus. 



20 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

Man. We can't sing that; there aren't any tenors or 
basses here. 

Mrs. S. Well, we'll have to have another rehearsal, 
that's plain. 'The widder has invited us all here to- 
morrow for a little donation party for the minister and 
we can have our last rehearsal then. Tell everybody to 
be here and remember we are to give the concert to-mor- 
row night. Belinda, have you decided what you want to 
sing ? 

Bel. I hain't goin' to sing at all. If Sallie Etta Pickle 
wants to sing " There, Little Girl, Don't Cry," let her go 
ahead and sing it. I'll jest join in the choruses. 

Sal. I'm going to sing " Polly Wolly Doodle," that'll 
make a bigger hit with the audience. 

Mrs. S. Well, somebody's got to sing " There, Little 
Girl." It's printed on the programs. 

Bel. I won't do it. 

Sal. Neither will I. 

Mrs. S. Who will then? Who'll be good enough to 
volunteer ? Speak up, who will save the day ? 

(Hez. slides in from r., extends right arm, dramatically 
poses at c.) 

Hez. I will! 

Others. You ! 

Hez. Yes, I. (Dramatically.) We will fight it out 
along these lines if it takes all summer. A little music. 
(Tess. plays introduction to "A Life Lesson.") Here 
I go. {Sings decidedly out of tune.) There, little girl, 
don't cry, they have broken your doll I know. {All 
howl, hiss and give cat imitations.) Ain't that good? 

Mrs. S. Decidedly not. 

Hez. Didn't I have the right pitch ? 

Gran. Hay ? 

^ Hez. I had the right pitch. ( Yells. ) I had the right 
pitch. 

^ Gran. Pitch ? Pitch ? It sounded to me like turpen- 
time. 

Bird, (at L.). Here comes the widder. (All look to L.) 
Enter Wid. from l., wearing long trailing dress trimmed 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 2t 

all around with gaudy artificial flowers and cheap 
white lace. Large head-dress of feathers. She car- 
ries a big bouquet of sunflowers, weeds and tree 
boughs. 

WiD. Here I be. I hope I didn't keep you a-waitin'. 

All. Oh, no. 

Shi., {falsetto voice). Not at all. 

Hez. {imitates her). Not at all. 

WiD. I want to make a little speech. {All sit, except 
WiD.) Ladies {ladies all rise and make curtseys to her) 
and gentlemen. (Hez. rises and curtseys to her. All 
ladies sit down as soon as they curtsey.) But I see we 
have no gentlemen present. 

Hez. {sinks in seat). Good-night, Hezekiah. 

WiD. I invited the choir to be present here this after- 
noon for their rehearsal in order to spring a little surprise. 

Hez. We're goin' to have ice-cream. 

WiD. You hush up. To-morrow afternoon I will 
again entertain in my most lavish fashion with a donation 
party for the minister. 

Hez. Hurrah ! 

WiD. But it is befitten that the choir shall see the sur- 
prise first of all. Before proceedin' any further with the 
proceedings I will recite a little original poem that I wrote 
all my own self, having made it out of my own head. 

Hez. It's a bird. 

WiD. I have called it " Lines of Memorials to Brother 
Botts." 

He was the Beantown Choir Director fer over thirty 

years. 
And now he's gone we'll shed some tears. 
We'll shed some tears for my dear brother, 
Who allers was doing something or other. 
We'll sit and weep and sit and weep and sit and weep 

some more. 
For Brother Botts, dear Brother Botts, has went to the 

other shore. ( Cries. ) 

Oh, it's so sad. I jest can't go on. Fm so emotional. I 
jest emote at any little thing. (Weeps.) 



21 THE BEAKTOWM CHOIR 

Hez. (sings). There, little girl, don't cry, they have 
broken your 

All. Hezekiah Doolittle, you hush up. 

Mrs. S. Go on with your reading, Widder. It's 
lovely. 

WiD. 

My Brother Botts was the best of brothers, ^ 

He never gave no trouble to his father or his mothers, 

He directed the choir fer thirty years. 

So, fellow-members, give him your tears. 

In his memory I have called this meeting here, 

So that you and me can shed a tear. 

He was a good man every one knows. 

And handsome, too, except for the mole on his nose. 

Three years ago he crossed the river. 

And all alone we're left to shiver, 

This meeting to-day is in memory of my brother. 

Oh, where, oh where, can I find another? 

(Makes a low bow and sits down. Ladies all applaud.) 

Mrs. S. Little Samantha Sniggins and Hezekiah Doo- 
little will now flavor us with a duet entitled " Little Drops 
of Water." 

(Funny burlesque infant specialty introduced.) 

WiD. (rises). Ladies and gentlemen, now has come 
the time fer the surprise. I have had a memorial made to 
Brother Botts. It's behind them chenille curtains and 
consists of a life-size crayon portrait in a frame and 
easel. Tessie, you play " We Shall Meet But We Shall 
Miss Him " and everybody sing it, then at the beginning 
of the second verse, Mrs. Scales, you slowly draw the cur- 
tains and unveil the memorial. 

All (sing). 

THE VACANT CHAIR 

We shall meet, but we shall miss him, 

There will be one vacant chair. 
We shall linger to caress him, 

While we breathe our evening prayer. 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 2^ 

When a year ago we gathered 

Joy was in his bright blue eye. 
But the golden cord is severed, 

And our hopes in ruin lie. 
We shall meet, but we shall miss him, 

There will be one vacant chair, 
We shall linger to caress him, 

When we breathe our evening prayer. 

(WiD. sinks sobbing in seat. Mrs. S. stands by por- 
tieres.) 

At our fireside sad and lonely, 
Often will the bosom swell 

(Mrs. S. has drazvn the curtains disclosing a skeleton 
or a grotesque dummy or scarecrow. Let all stand 
back so audience may see it. The skeleton or dummy 
raises its hand and points at Wid. This effect is 
Worked by a concealed string.) 

Wid. (gives a wild shriek). That ain't him. Aw, aw ! 

(Sobs wildly.) 

Hez. (goes to her, pats her hands to restore her and 
sings loudly). There, little girl, don't cry, don't cry. 
There, little girl, don't cry. 

QUICK CURTAIN 

Second Picture. — Wid. seated at c. spanking Hez., 
who is turned over her knee, she using a slip- 
per. Hez. yells and all the ladies laugh and sing 
loudly, " There, little girl, don't cry; don't cry. 
There, little girl, don't cry!") 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. The next morning. 

(At the rise of the curtain the Wid. enters from l., 
crosses to R. and calls.) 

Wid. Beth! {Louder.) Beth! Beth Wood, you 
march down here this minute. 

Beth {outside, at r.). I'm coming. 

Wid. Well, don't be all day about it. I'm upsot all 
over and I'm mad clean through. You'd better hurry up, 
if you know what's good fer you. 

Enter Beth from r. 

Beth. What is it? 

Wid. What I want to know is this — what are you 
packing your trunk for? 

Beth. I'm going away. 

Wid. Oh, you are, are you ? What for ? 

Beth. Because I'm going to accept another position. 
I can't live here any longer. I do everything I can to 
please you, but it isn't any use. I work hard and never 
have any fun. You won't allow me to go anywhere or 
see any one, and we can't get along. You don't like me 
and so — so I'm going away. 

Wid. Wall, I never ! You want to go and leave a 
good home and work for strangers. They won't treat 
you with the loving kindness you git here. There hain't 
many stepmothers as good as me. You have nice clothes 
and good things to eat and a nice house — what more do 
you want ? 

Beth. There's no use arguing any more about it. 
I've made up my mind and I'm going to leave. 

Wid. I dunno as I'll let you. 

Beth. I'm of age, Mrs. Wood, and I can do as I 
please. 

24 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 2^ 

WiD. That's right, leave me right in the midst of my 
trials and tribberlations. Ain't I got enough on my hands 
now with that creature Hezekiah Doolittle disgracing me 
before all Beantown? He's packing too and there's all 
the work to do with the donation party to-day and every- 
thing. 

Beth. I'm not leaving until this evening. 

WiD. Wall, I can't force you to stay, but I'll say this, 
you hain't treating me right — after all I've did for you. 
Go in the kitchen and make some lemonade. 

Beth. Very well. I'll help you all I can to-day. 

(Crosses to l.) 

WiD. Then I don't want nothin' more to do with you. 
You can go if you like, and good riddance. I think I'll 
go to boardin' and rent out this house. They say there's 
some perfectly lovely men at the hotel. You answer the 
door, Beth, if any o*f the choir comes. Tell 'em I'll be 
down jest as soon as I make my proper preparations. 

[Exit, R. 
Enter Hez. from l. 

Hez. Havin' a scrap with the old lady? 

Beth. I told her I was going to leave. 

Hez. She told me I had to leave. Like to walloped 
the life clean outen me, too. Jest because I wanted to 
give the Beantown choir a little surprise. I never hurt 
her old picture none. I jest carried it up in the attic 
and put old Mr. Bones in its place. (Laughs.) Gosh, 
wasn't they skeerd? 

Beth. You shouldn't be such a bad boy, Hezekiah. 

Hez. It says in the Scriptures that you can't make a 
silk purse outen a sow's ear, Bethy, so I'm goin' to git me 
a job in the rollin' mill with the rest of the roUin' stones 
and marry big fat Hepsy Tiller and let her take in washin* 
f er me. You know Hepsy, don't you ? I been lovin' that 
gal nigh onto three years now. Big fat gal lives over to 
Epsom Saltsville. Weighs purt' nigh three hundred 
pounds, but she's got a lovin' disposition and eighty dol- 
lars in the bank. Yep, I think I'll git married to Hepsy, 

Beth. So you are leaving to-day, are you? 



:?6 THE BEAKTOWN CHOIR 

Hez. Yep. Got my valise all packed with my other 
suit of clothes and a red necktie and I*m ready to face the 
world. 

Beth. I wish you well, Hezekiah. 

Hez. Yep, I know you do. You're a good little gal, 
Bethy, and ef big fat Hepsy Tiller didn't have eighty dol- 
lars in the bank I'd marry you. But a feller's got to look 
out fer himself. You see how it is that I can't marry 
you, don't you? 

Beth (smiles). Oh, that's all right, Hezekiah. 

Hez. You see I been lovin' Hepsy purt' nigh onto 
three years now and sparkin' her off and on durin' that 
time. It 'ud kinda hurt Hepsy ef I'd up and marry any 
one else now. Hepsy weighs three hundred pounds, but 
she's got feelings jest like any one else. 

Beth. Then I wouldn't think of depriving her of you, 
Hezekiah. 

Hez. Oh, it wouldn't be much depravity, Bethy. 

Beth. I've got to make the lemonade for the donation 
party. . [Exit, l. 

Hez. Lemonade, hay? That's the one thing I like 
about this house. They're allers havin' things to eat. 
I'm fired and my trunk is packed and I'm goin' to leave, 
but — believe me — I'm goin' to eat first. (Sits at piano 
and takes, music down and reads title of song.) " A Life 
Lesson." (Opens it.) I wonder ef I could sing that. 

(Plays in a burlesque fashion and sings three or four 
lines. ) 

WiD. (outside at r.). Hezekiah Doolittle, you leave 
my piano alone. I got the toothache. 

Hez. Hay? 

WiD. (outside). You pack up and git out o' my house. 
I got the toothache. 

Hez. All right. (Finds letter hidden by Beth in 
Act I.) I wonder what this is? (Reads laboriously.) 
" My dear Elizabeth " — Some one's a-writin' to the wid- 
der. ** I love you better than anything on earth " — well, 
who'd 'a' thunk it? Stumbling grasshoppers, the wid- 
der's got a beau ! " You are the only woman in the whole 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR I'J 

world who could make my (spells) h-a-p, hap, p-i, pie, 
n-e-double-s, ness, happiness, c-o-m, com, p-1-e-t-e, plete, 
complete." Ain't that mushy? I wonder who writ a 
love-letter to the widder. (Reads.) " Your own Richard 
Manly." The preacher. Wall, I wanter know. I 
thought he was a-makin' eyes at Bethy and now he's 
writin' to the widder. No, he hain't. This is to Bethy 
and he calls her by her maiden name Elizabeth. 
(Laughs.) I thought they wouldn't no one be writin' to 
the widder like that. 

Enter Wid. from r., her face tied up. 

WiD. Hezekiah Doolittle, ain't you ^one yet ? 

Hez. Yep, I'm gone. I'm about seven miles down the 
road now hoein' turnips in the punkin patch. 

Wid. (sinks in chair). You hush up that foolishness 
and gjt out o' this house. I got the toothache like every- 
thing and ain't got no time to be bothered with you. 
What you got there ? 

Hez. (hides letter behind him). Nothin'. 

Wid. You have too. Lemme see what's in your hand. 

Hez. (shows left hand empty). Hain't got nothin'. 

Wid. Lemme see your other hand. 

Hez. (puts letter in left hand behind back and shows 
right hand). See? 

Wid. Lemme see both hands. It's a letter. Who's 
it fer? 

Hez. You. 

Wid. Why didn't you give it to me ? 

Hez. He told me you'd gimme a five cent nickel fer it. 

Wid. He? Who? 

Hez. The minister, 

Wid. Did the minister write a lettfer to me ? 

Hez. Yep, and it's a love-letter, too. 

Wid. 'Tain't neither. 

Hez. 'Tis, too. He says he loves you better'n any- 
thing on earth. 

Wid. Did you read it ? 

Hez. Nope, he jest made his mouth go when he was 
a-writin' it and I sensed what he was puttin' in it. 

Wid. Give it to me. 



28 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

Hez. Gimme that five-cent nickel. 

WiD. There. {Gives him coin.) 

Hez. There. {Gives her the letter.) 

WiD. Now you hurry down to the store and git me 
twenty-five cents' worth of laudalum fer the toothache. 

Hez. Gimme the money. 

WiD. I don't trust you. TeU Hiram Boggs to charge 
it, and hurry up. {Groans.) This tooth is Hke to pes- 
terin me to death. 

Hez. Gimme a string and I'U pull it out fer you. I'd 
be pleased to do it. 

WiD. Yes, I suppose you would. But I ain't goin' to 
let you. Now hurry up and git me ihat laudalum. 

Hez. I'm goin', ain't I ? 

WiD. Yes, about as slow as a worm with the rheuma- 
tism. Hurry up. {Starts to him.) 

Hez. {rushes out r.) . I'm gone. [Exit, r. 

WiD. {puts on spectacles and reads the letter). " My 
dear Elizabeth, I love you better than anything on earth 
and I feel that you are the only woman in the whr;le 
world who could make my happiness complete." 
{Speaks.) The dear boy, and I never dreamed he was 
smit with my charms at all. {Reads.) "True I li:-ve 
known you but a short time, but who could know you 
without loving you, the dearest, sweetest little woman on 
earth." {Speaks.) He's got real good sense, even if he 
is a minister. {Reads.) " I want to marry you at once 
as life is a dreary aching void without you." {Speaks.) 
That's just the way I feel ! Oh, Richard, Richard, I'm 
yours. {Reads.) "May I hope? To-morrow night is 
the concert given by the choir to celebrate the close of my 
second year in Beantown. Why could we not arise after 
the concert and have Brother Layman, the presiding 
elder, unite us in the holy bonds of matrimony ? " 
{Speaks.) How lovely, how awful lovely. I'll do it. 
Be still, my little fluttering heart, be still. Oh, Richard, 
Richard! {Reads.) "I shall, return from my country 
visitations late to-night ; if you consent to my plan put a 
pot of blooming geraniums on the gate-post and make me 
the happiest man in the world." (Speaks. ) It's too late, 



THE BI-ANTOWN CHOIR 29 

it's too late. I, didn't get the letter in time to put tlu 
flowers on the post. {Looks out.) Why, there they are. 
Seated on the gate-post just like he says. I suppose 
Hezekiah put them there. Ain't that fate? I thought 
I'd lost him, but he's mine — he's mine. (Reads.) " Let 
us keep our plans a secret until the ceremony, and believe 
me, sincerely and devotedly your own Richard Manly." 
Wall, I never. Who'd 'a' thunk it? Him in love with 
me. And he's selected me to be his bloomin', blushin' 
bride. Won't Sallie Etta Pickle have a fit when she sees 
us git married? (Suddenly.) Oh, my tooth, my tooth. 
Bethy ! 

Enter Beth from l. 

Beth. Yes? 

WiD. I'm sorry I was a little cross to you, Bethy, but 
I've been so troubled with this tooth that I hardly know 
what my name is. I'm goin' up-stairs and try to cure it. 
I dunno as I'll be able to see the ladies at the donation 
party, but you make my excuses and give them cookies 
and lemonade. Tell 'em I'm sick with a bad tooth. 

Beth. Then you're not going to the concert to-night? 

WiD. Going? You bet I am. I'm going to spring the 
surprise of the evening at the concert to-night. Oh, my 
tooth ! It jumps up and down jest like a human being. 
Tell Hezekiah to bring that laudalum right up to my room. 
And hurry him up, he's slower'n the seven-year itch. 

[Exit, R. 
Enter Sam. from l. 

Sam. I just came in the back door. Maw sent over a 
bag of potatoes fer the minister's donation and I dumped 
'em down in the kitchen. 

Beth. That's quite a nice present, Samantha. 

Sam. Aw, I dunno. We got more'n we kin use er 
sell and Uncle Jake said to give 'em to the preacher. 
This has been a big year fer potatoes in Beantown. Ain't 
the choir going to practice here to-day ? 

Beth. Yes. They'll be here presently. 

Sam. Say, Bethy, is the widder goin' to unveil an^ 
more ghosts fer us this afternoon ? 



30 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

Beth. Wasn't one enough ? 

Sam. It was too much for Grandma w. When that 
hand moved she hke to had a conniption fit. She told me 
she thought it was Brother Botts himself come to the 
choir rehearsal like he used to twenty years ago. 

Beth. It was only a joke of Hezekiah's. 

Sam. Hez is an awful bad boy, ain't he, Bethy? 

Beth. He's rather mischievous, but he has a good 
heart. 

Sam. And an awful appetite. He et eleven ham 
sandwiches and a hull apple pie at the Sunday-school pic- 
nic. He kin eat more'n any man in town 'ceptin' 

{Insert the name of some prominent man.) 

(Knock on door at r. Beth opens it, admitting Bird.) 

Bird, (who carries a stuffed flour-sack). Where'll I 
put these potatoes ? It's my donation for the minister. 

Enter Sal. and Tess. from r., carrying baskets. 

Sal. Ain't it funny ? Tessie Tooms and I both brung 
the same thing fer the donation. Potatoes fer the min- 
ister. I wanted to bring a chocolate cake, him being so 
fond of cake and such like, but Paw said now was a 
chance to git rid of some of our potatoes, so I carried 'em 
along. 

Tess. And everybody likes potatoes. 

Enter Gran, from r., followed by Bel. and Mrs. S. 

Mrs. S. We've all brought the same thing. Potatoes. 
I took 'em around to the back porch. 

Sam. Say, don't you think the preacher wants nothin* 
else to eat except potatoes ? 

Beth. Just bring your potatoes out here. 

(Goes out, L., followed by Bird., Sal. and Tess.) 

Mrs. S. As usual there ain't none of the men here at 
choir rehearsal. I dunno what's going to happen at the 
concert to-night. It'll be a failure as sure as my name is 
Scales. 

Bel. Listen. I hear some one tunin' up. 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR ^^^1 

(Male Quartet heard singing off stage. Af end of 

first verse they enter and sing second verse on the 

stage. All applaud. Bird., Sal., Tess. and Beth 
enter from l.) 

Mrs. S. Mr. Boomer, I don't see your wife here. 
And she wasn't here yesterday. 

Bill {one of the quartet). No'm, she hain't here. 
She had an accident happen to her Monday morning. 

All. She did? 

Gran. What say? 

Bill. I said my wife had an accident happen to her. 
{Yells.) Accident! 

Gran. Yes, we got in all our hay jest in time. 

Tess. What happened to your wife, Bill? 

Bill. She was openin' a can of corn and she cut her- 
self right bad. 

Sal. She did? Where? 

Bill. What say? 

Sal. I said where did she cut herself? 

Bill. In the pantry right close to the bread-box. And 
she hain't been feelin' real well since. 

Mrs. S. Sallie, you might try " Polly Wolly Doodle." 
(Sal. sings "Polly Wolly" song, others joining in 
chorus. Note: Put plenty of action in this song, singing 
fast, patting hands, tzmrling around and making ges- 
tures.) Now, Bill, we want your bass solo. 

Bill. Aw, I can't sing no bass solo. 

Mrs. S. Yes, you can, too. Jest as natural as life. 
Stand up here. 

Bill. Aw, I'm too bashful. Everybody's lookin' at 
me. 

Mrs. S. I guess that hain't goin' to hurt you none. 
Come on now. Give him the chord, Tessie. 

{Solo by Bill.) 

Bel. Say, didn't you men bring nothin' fer the dona- 
tion party? 

Bill. Sure, we did. We all jined in together and 
brung a cart full of potatoes. 

Ladies. Potatoes ? 



oit The beantown choir 

Bill.- We thought nobody else would ever think of 
potatoes. 

Beth. Now if you will all walk into the dining-room 
you'll find a little lunch all ready for you. 

Sam. And believe me, I'm ready fer the lunch. 

{Runs out at l.) 

Gran. What did she say, Belindy ? 

Bel. (who is seated near Gran.). She said to come in 
to lunch. (Yells.) Lunch! 

Gran. Punch ? Who, me ? No, I never drink nothin' 
stronger'n ice-tea and I'm goin' on eighty-three. 

(Several people exeunt at l.) 

Mrs. S. Where's the widder? 

Beth. She's suffering with the toothache and asked to 
be excused. 

Gran. What say? 

Beth. I said Mrs. Wood was suffering with tooth- 
ache. (Loudly.) Toothache. 

Gran. Oh, yes, I like cake. Of course I do. But 
I'm surprised at your a-havin' punch. Where's the wid- 
der? 

Beth. Up-stairs. She's not feeling well. 

Gran. Yes, I shouldn't wonder ef it would rain a 
spell. But what I asked you was where is the widder ? 

Bel. (yells). She's sick. 

Gran. Don't yell at me. I kin hear jest as good as 
any one when folks don't mumble their words. 

Bel. That's nice. 

Gran. What say ? 

Bel. I said that was nice. Nice ! 

Gran, (horrified). She has? Well, hain't that aw-1 
f ul ? I wonder where she caught 'em. Tell her she orter 
rub some turpentime in her head. I allers heerd that 
was a sure cure. (All go out at l.) 

Enter Wid. from r. 

WiD. ^ Oh, oh, this toothache is about to kill me. ' 
(Sinks in chair and groans.) I wonder what's become of 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 33 

Hezekiah. I£ I don't git some relief I'll ache my head 
off — and I'm to be married to-night at nine o'clock. 
Married to the minister. Won't I make the old maids in 
Bcan'LO\yn walk chalk? I'll let 'em know that I'm the 
boss of the town. Sallie Etta Pickle's been throwin* 
sheep's eyes at the minister fer nearly two years, but I'll 
settle her. I got a good notion to tell Bethy. She thinks 
the minister was after her. {Giggles.) When it was me 
he wanted all the time. It's a good thing she's goin' to git 
a position in the city. It'll ease her broken heart when 
she learns that her stepmaw has caught her beau. Owch ! 
Oh, my tooth, my tooth ! 

Enter Hez. from r. 

Hez. Say, I wasn't sure what you sent me after. 
Was it Epsom salts, codliver oil er laudalum? 

WiD. Laudalum. And me most dyin' with the tooth- 
ache. 

Hez. Laudalum ? 

WiD. Yes. Ain't that what they give fer toothache? 
Didn't you bring it? 

Hez. Yep. I brung It. (Gives her small phial.) 
There it is. 

WiD. Oh, oh ! My tooth's shootin' like sixty. How 
do you take it ? 

Hez. How do I know ? I never took none. 

WiD. Neither did I. 

Hez. Wall, I suppose you jes' swaller it down. (Wid. 
swallows some, then gives a loud shriek and falls back in 
chair.) Sufferin' seeds of punkins, she's committed su- 
sancide. 

Wid. (yells). Aw, oh, oh ! 

(All rush in from, l.) 
Beth. What is it ? 

Hez. She's killed. The widder's killed. 
Beth (runs to her). What is it? 

(All surround her, fanning her, etc.) 

WiD. I swallered some toothache medicine. 



^4 THE BEANTOVVN CHOIR 

Mrs. S. What kind? 

WiD. Laudalum! {Hands her the bottle.) 

Mrs. S. But you should have rubbed it on your tooth, 
not taken it internally. 

WiD. Oh, I took it infernally, I took it infernally. 

Sal. Not infernally, internally. 

WiD. What's the difference? 

Sal. Infernally means the lower regions. 

WiD. Wall, that's where it's hurtin' me, in the lower 
regions. 

Beth. Hezekiah, run for the doctor. Run ! Run ! 

Hez. {runs /or.). I'll run. Jest like a velocipede. 

[Exit, R. 

Mrs. S. You got to keep her moving. If she goes to 
sleep it's all over. 

WiD. {sleepily). I want to go to bed. 

Sal. You can't go to bed. You've got to stay awake. 

WiD. What for? 

Sal. If you go to sleep you'll never wake up. {Grabs 
her.) Get up. 

WiD. {drozvsily). I can't get up. 

Mrs. S. {forces her to her feet). You've got to walk 
it off. 

Sal. Make her arms go up and down to keep up the 
circulation. 

{They zvalk her around the stage, pumping her arms 
up and down.) 

WiD. Oh, I can't, I can't. {She sinks dozvn.) 
Bel. Grab her. Don't let her rest. Hurry. Make 
her run. 

{They run her around.) 

Mrs. S. {to men). Here, you take her. I'm all tuck- 
ered out. 

( Men run Wid. around, she screaming. ) 

WiD. Lemme alone. Let me die in peace. {Sleepy.) 
I want to go to bed. 

Gran. Throw some water on her. Samanthy, git 

some water; [Sam. exits, L.; 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 



35 



Bel. Make her arms go up and down. Keep up the 
circulation. {They obey.) Now trot her around. 

(They trot her around stage. She finally sinks in a 
chair. ) 

Enter Sam. with big dipper of water. 

Sam. Here's the water. (Throws it all over Wid.) 
WiD. Oh, I'm dead, Vm dead. You've drownded me. 
Now I'll never git to marry the minister. 



QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE,— The same. 

Enter Tess. and Mrs. S. frojii r., follozved by Beth. 

Tess. What I can't understand is why the concert is 
to be given here at your house instead of in the church. 

Mrs. S. The minister wanted it that way and he sent 
Hezekiah over to the church to tell all the people to come 
over here. That's all I know about it. 

Beth. I have everything arranged for the tableaux 
(points to the audience) and the folks can sit out there. 

Tess. There must be some other reason. 

Beth. There is. I can't keep it secret any longer. 
As soon as the concert is over we are to have a wedding. 

Mrs. S. (very much surprised). A wedding? 

Tess. Who's going to be married? 

Beth. The minister. 

Mrs. S. For the land sakes. Who to ? 

Beth. To me. 

Tess. {astounded). Well! 

Mrs. S. For the land sakes ! 

Tess. (kisses Beth). I'm awfully glad. I wish you 
all the luck in the world. Mr. Manly is perfectly lovely. 

Mrs. S. (kisses Beth). Indeed he is. I congratu- 
late you both and wish you many happy returns of the 
day. 

Tess. Many happy returns ? 

Mrs. S. No, I don't mean that. This news has got 
me so kerflummixed I dunno what I do mean. 

Tess. Does the widder know about it? 

Beth. Not yet. She's still asleep. The doctor says 
she'll probably sleep all night and will be sick to-morrow 
morning, but after that she'll be all right. 

(Hez. and Sam. enter audience from hack and take a 
seat in the front row.) 

36 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 



-1 



Mrs. S. Ifs time to start the concert. See, most 
everybody IS here. Tessie, take your place at the piano. 
{\:>v:ui exits at r. Mrs. S. comes to front and addresses 
the audience.) Ladies and gentlemen, in behalf of the 
Society permit me to welcome you. The Bean- 
town choir will try and entertain you widi some old-time 
songs and pictures of the long ago. We thank you for 
your attendance and expect you to applaud right liberally 
Don t set there like a flock of geese grinnin' your heads 
oil, but enter into the spirit of the occasion, clap your 
hands and enjoy yourself. And we're goin' to spring a 
big surprise on you after the final number. The first 
number on our program is a piano solo by our gifted and 
talented musician, Miss Tessie Tooms, who pianns and 
organs jest lovely. She will play for your edification 
{Insert the name of the piece.) 

(Tess. bows lozv to audience and plays a piano solo. 
:^oniethmg short and popidar. Dvorak's " Hu- 
nwresque" is recommended. During the playing 
Mrs. S. leaves the stage. At the end of the piano solo 
there is a short pause, followed by the '' Jedediah" 
number without any introduction.) 

COUSIN JEDEDIAH 
Comedy Song for Double Quartet 
Jacob and Obed, tenors. 
John and Josh, basses. 
Kitty and Jerusha, sopranos. 
SuKEY and Mandy, altos. 

(The^ part of the chorus beginning " OK won't we have 
a jolly time is played on the piano, repeatinq it as 
many times ^ as necessary. Jacob and Kitty skip in 
TroniR. in time to music, meeting Obed and Terusha 
who have skipped in from l. They join hands and 
circle four at rear, as John and Sukey skip in from 
R. meeting Josh and Mandy, who have skipped in 



38 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

from L. All ship hi couples once around the stage 
and then line up facing front in a semicircle. The 
music continues zvhile Kitty and ]er\jsiia pidl Jacob 
to the front, the others bending knees on every eighth 
beat. All point to Jacob as they sing.) 

Oh, Jacob, git the cows home 

And put them in the pen — (Jacob nods.) 
For the cousins all are coming 

To see us all again. 

(Form in couples, facing partners, shake forefingers at 

partners. ) 

Mandy, peei the taters, 
Put the turkey on the fire, 

(Form semicircle, clasp hands and march to front eight 
abreast.) 

For we all must get ready 
For Cousin Jedediah. 

(Basses close nostrils with thumb and forefinger as they 
sing.) 

Cousin Jedediah! 
( Tenors count one on fingers. ) There's Hezekiah ! 
(Altos count tzvo.) And Azariah ! 

(Sopranos count three.) And Aunt Sophia ! 

( Basses count four. ) And Jedediah ! 

(All throw hands up in horror, shake heads dolefully 
and sing slowly.) 

All coming here to tea. 

(All join hands forming circle, skip around and sing.) 

Oh, won't we have a jolly time, 
Oh, won't we have a jolly time! 
Jerusha, put the kettle on, 
We'll all take tea. 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR -,g 

(Form semicircle facing front, John and Josii, Jacob 
ajid Obed, Kitty and Jerusha, Sukey and Mandy. 
Jacob shoves Obed to front, where he stands acting 
like a hashfid lirtle boy. Others sing.) 

Now, Obed, wash your face, boy. 

And tallow up your shoes, 
We're goin' to see Aunt Betty 

And tell her all the news. (Obed pulls 

And Kitty, slick your hair up, Kitty to front.) 

Put on your yaller gown. 
For Cousin Jedediah comes 

Right from Boston Town. 

( John and Josh bend knees and sing. ) Cousin Jedediah ! 
(Jacob and Obed stand on tiptoes. ) There's Hezekiah ! 
(SvKEY and Mandy bend knees.) AndAzariah! 

(Kitty and Jerusha stand on tiptoes. ) And' Aunt Sophia ! 
(All sing dole f idly. ) All coming here to 

tea. 

(They form circle and skip as before.) 

Oh, won't we have a jolly time. 
Oh, won't we have a jolly time ! 
Jerusha, put the kettle on. 
We'll all take tea. 

(Mandy leads Sukey down front by the ear, others 
in line half-zvay back. Mandy sings solo.) 

Now, Sukey, peel the onions. 
And scald the ripe tomaters ! 

(Kitty leads Jerusha dozvn by ear and sings.) 

Jerusha, git a hitchin' post 
To beat the mashed potaters. 

(Jacob leads Obed dozmi by ear and sings.) 

Now, Obed, smile your prettiest, 

And don't begin to cry. 
And all the gals'll kiss you 

In the sweet by and by. 



40 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

(All stand in line at rear facing front, John and Josh 
move to front and sing.) 

Cousin Jedediah ! (Bend knees in time 
to music. ) 
'{Tenors joint asses There's Hezekiah ! (Men bend knees in 

in front. ) time to music. ) 

'(Altos come down AndAzariah! (Bend knees with 

to men.) others.) 

(Sopranos come And Aunt Sophia! (Bend knees.) 

down. ) 
(Basses.) And Jedediah. 

(All sing slowly, bending knees as far as possible.) 

All coming here to tea. 

(All give a sudden jump high in air, join hands, circle 
and sing as before.) 

Oh, won't we have a jolly time, 
Oh, won't we have a jolly time ! 
Jerusha, put the kettle on, 
We'll all take tea. 

(All skip out ai l., repeating chorus.) 

Enter Mrs. S. She conies to l. front and announces. 

Mrs. S. Our next number is that love song of con- 
stancy and a life's devotion, " When You and I Were 
Young." (The lights are dimmed or extinguished, the 
rear curtains open and show Grandmaw and Tenor 
Singer dressed like an old man. Bright spotlights or 
auto headlights ore thrown from the sides on the tahleaii. 
The Old Man takes Grandmaw's hand and sings the 
three stancas to her with deep feeling. The characters 
may move during the song. At the conclusion of the 
number the curtains shielding the small platform at rear 
are drawn, hiding the platform. The Jedediah boys and 
girls come in and sit at r. and l., being careftd not to hide 
the rear platform.) " Juanita," that Spanish love-song 
of years ago, will recall sweet memories to the old and 
young alike. The Beantown choir will sing " Juanita." 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR ^ I 

(The choir sings the first stan.za and chorus cf 
" Juaniia,'* On the words, " Nita, Juanita," the 
tableau curtain is drazvn, disclosing Birdie posing in 
Spanish costume. She sings the second stanza as 
a solo.) 

Bird. 
When in my dreaming moons like these shall 

shine again, 
And daylight beaming prove my dreams are vain, 
Will I then, relenting, for my absent lover sigh ? 
In my heart consenting to a prayer gone by ? 

{All sing the chorus softly as the curtains fall.) 

Mrs. S. The choir will now render " The Quilting 
Party." (Choir sings first stanza of "The Quilting 
Party." At the beginning of the chorus the tableau of 
Country Boy and Country Girl in old-time summer cos- 
tumes is shozvn. He sings the second and third stanzas 
as a solo, the choir joining in the chorus. The curtains 
fall.) Mr. Bill Boomer, our celebrated basso-prof undo, 
will now render a rendition of " Old Black Joe," and 
everybody here present, man, woman and child, is re- 
quested and expected to join in the chorus. Don't be 
bashful, have a good time and sing! (Tableau curtains 
rise showing Bill dressed as an aged darkey. He sings 
" Old Black Joe " and all join in the chorus.) The next 
number on our program is a recitation by little Samantha 
Sniggins. Little Samantha ain't but seven years old and 
has never appeared in public before, so you must excuse 
mistakes. 

(Samantha comes forward from her seat in the audi- 
ence, makes a bow and recites. ) 

Sam. Yesterday I asked ma fer a penny. " You're 
too big to be asking fer pennies," says she. " Den gimme 
a quarter," says I, but she turned me down and den she 
turned me over and said dat she hoped I would see the 
error of my ways, but all I could see was the pattern on 
the carpet. She said dat when she whipped me it hurt 



42 THE BEANTOWN CHOIR 

her more dan it did me, but I was ready to bet dat it 
didn't hurt her in the same place. (Give childish laugh.) 
Dis mornin' the teacher give us our first lesson in sub- 
traction. She said : " T'ings can only be subtracted from 
each other if dey are of the same denomination." She 
says dat we couldn't take three apples from four pears, 
ner six bosses from nine dogs. When she was t'rough 
explainin' I held up my hand and says, " Say, teacher, 
can't you take four quarts of milk from three cows ? " 
(Cnildish laugh.) De odder day we had to write a com- 
position. We couldn't ask our papas or our mammas for 
help, the teacher said, but just to write what was in us 
ourselves. I writ, " In me there is me stummick, lungs, 
liver, heart, two apples, a stick of lemon candy and my 
dinner. That's all." (Laugh.) My little brother is 
jest learnin' his A-B-Cs. He got up as fur as the letter 
G and then he was stuck. " What comes after G, 
Tommy ? " says the teacher. " Oh, I know," . he says. 
" G-whizz. Whizz comes after G." (Laughs.) My 

thidier's got a beau. His name's . (Insert local 

name.) I asked her if she ever kithed him. She said 
thertainly not, that thee only kithed her kith and kin. 
One time I was hidin' under the sofy and I heard him 
say kin he kith her, and she said that he kin. That makes 
it kith and kin. Then I heard a smack, jest that-away. 
(Imitates.) It sounded like a cow drawin' his foot out 
of a mud-hole, all squshy like that. Dat's all I know. 

(Bows and takes her place in the audience.) 

Mrs. S. The choir will now render that old favorite, 
"Jingle Bells." (Choir sings first verse of "Jingle 
Bells " and chorus. Curtains are drazvn showing Boy 
and Girl seated in sleigh. Bells jingle. Snozv falls. 
He is driving and the sleigh is so arranged that the horses 
seem to he just outside the curtain. Invisible hands make ,^ 
the sleigh hack, etc. Choir sings entire song while hoy ^. 
and girl act out their parts.) Miss Beth Wood will now "' 
sing "The Last Rose of Summer." (Beth appears on 
tableau stage in summer dress and hat, carrying large 
crimson rose. She sings entire song, scattering petals, 
etc. Curtains fall. ) The choir will now sing the oratoric 



THE BEANTOWN CHOIR -^.'o 

selection, " Sound the Loud Timbrel ! '' {Choir comes to 
front of stage and sings the song. No tableau here.) 
Miss Mandy Hamslinger, our beautiful and gifted so- 
pranno, will now favor us with "Annie Laurie." ( Mandy 
appears on tableau stage in Scotch costume. She sings 
"Annie Laurie.") The final number of our concert is 
"Auld Lang Syne," sung by everybody here present. 
After that the curtains will fall fer a minute, but keep 
your seats and don't git nervous, fer the best is yet to 



come. 



(All sing *'Auld Lang Syne '* and then the front cur- 
tains fall.) 

CURTAIN 



SCENE IL — The curtains rise showing wedding tableau.: 
Beth and the young minister stand facing the presid- 
ing elder. Boy and Girl stand with them as at- 
tendants. Soft music. 

Elder. I then pronounce you man and wife. 

Enter Wip. from r. She stares at them. She wears 
wedding clothes and has red flannel bandage on 
face. 

WiD. Stop 'em, stop 'em ! Don't let him marry her. 
I m the bride, I am. It's my wedding. Beth Wood, you 
let my minister alone. He's going to marry me. 

Beth. I'm afraid you are too late, Mrs. Wood. We 
are already married. 

WiD. {goes to minister). Oh, you villain, you im- 
postor, you trifler, you hypocrite ; you writ me a love- 
letter and I'll sue you fer bigamy and breach of promise, 
and hbel and arson in the third degree. 

Hez. {in audience). Set down and keep cool, widder. 
That letter was fer Bethy all the time. 

WiD. Fer Bethy? 



44 THE BEANTOWK CHOIR 

Hez. Yep. I jest wanted to pay you back fer 
whalin' me. 

WiD. Oh, wait till I lay hands on you, that's all. 

(Organ plays '' Wedding March." Beth and Min- 
ister march down, followed by Maid and Man and 
others, Wid. coining last. They march down through 
the audience. As Wid. passes Hez. she grabs him, 
jerks him from his place and leads him out by the 
ear, Hez. howls.) 

CURTAIN 



NOTE 

Most of the music in this play may be found in " The 
Golden Book of Favorite Songs/' price 15 cents per 
copy. The book is published by F. A. Owens Pub- 
lishing Company, Dansville, Ky., or can be supplied by 
Walter H. Baker & Co., Boston, Mass. 



JOLLY PLAYS FOR HOLIDAYS ' 

A Collection of Christmas Plays for Children 
By Carolyn Wells 



COMPRISING 

The Day Before Christmas. Nine males, eight females. 

A Substitute for Santa Claus. Five males, two females. 

Is Santa Claus a Fraud ? Seventeen males, nine females and chorus. 

The Greatest Day of the Year. Seven males, nineteen females. 

Christmas Gifts of all NationSc Three males, three females and chorus. 

The Greatest Gift. Ten males^ eleven females. 

The plays composing this collection are reprinted from *• The Ladies* 
Home Journal " of Philadelphia and other popular magazines in answer 
to a persistent demand for them for actmg purposes. Miss Wells' work 
requires no introduction to a public already familiar with her wit, her hu- 
mor and her graceful and abundant fancy, all of which attractive qualities 
are amply exemplified in the above collection. These plays are intended 
to be acted by young people at the Christmas season, and give ample sug- 
gestions for costuming, decoration and other details of stage production. 
These demands are sufficiently elastic in character, however, to make it 
possible to shorten and simplify the performance to accommodate almost 
any stage or circumstances. The music called for is of the simplest and 
most popular sort, such as is to be found in every household and memory. 
This collection can be strongly recommended. 

Price, cloihf post-paid by maily bo cents net 



CHEERY COMEDIES FOR CHRISTMAS 

A Collection of Plays, Pantomimes, Tableaux, Readings, 

Recitations, Illustrated Poems, etc., Suitable for 

Use at Christmas 

By Edith M. Burrows^ Gertrude M. Henderson, and others 

CONTENTS 

The Awakening of Christmas. A Christmas Operetta for children. 
Twenty-five boys and thirty-two girls, or may be played by a less 
number if desired. Scenery and costumes easily arranged ; music 
selected from popular sources. 

A Christmas Strike. A very easy entertainment for four boys and three 
girls. 

Santa's Surprise. For thirty-three children, or less if desired, and a man 
to impersonate Santa Claus. 

The Syndicated Santa Claus. For three males and two females (adults), 
who speak, and any number of children. 

Kftos Krlagle*8 Panorama. A collection of tableaux, recitations, etc. 
FricCf sj cents 



PIECES PEOPLE ASK FOR 

Serious, Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic, and Dramatic 

One hundred selections in prose and verse by F. H. Gassaway, 0. Wc 
Holmes, Henry Ward Beecher, Alice Gary, R. H. Stoddard, Joel 
Chandler Harris, Charles Dudley Warner, J. M. Bailey, Bill Nye, Phoebe 
Gary, John Boyle O'Reilly, Irwin Russell, Lucy Larcom, Wendell Phillips, 
James Russel Lowell, Eugene J. Hall and others. 240 pages. 
Price, 2_5 cents 

PIECES PEOPLE LIKE 

Serious, Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic and Dramatic 

One hundred selections in prose and verse by Chauncey M. Depew, 
Col. John Hay, Hezekiah Butterworth, James Russell Lowell, John Boyle 
O'Reilly, Robert G. Ingersoll, Bill Nye, James Whitcomb Riley, T. W. 
Higginson, W. H. Seward, Clement Scott, Joaquin Miller, E. C. Stedman, 
Brander Matthews, John G. Saxe, Joel Benton, Charles Follen Adams and 
others. 214 pages. 

Price, 2^ cents 

PIECES PEOPLE PRAISE 

Serious, Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic and Dramatic 
One hundred selections in prose and verse by Mark Twain, Oliver 
Wendell Holmes, Robert Buchanan, James Russell Lowell, George 
WilHam Curtis, Edward Eggleston, Nora Perry, Wendell Phillips, Charles 
Sumner, Charles Dickens, Henry Clay, John Boyle O'Reilly and the 
author of " Betsy Bobbitt." Over 200 pages. 
Price, 23 cents 

PIECES PEOPLE RECOMMEND 

Serious, Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic and Dramatic 
One hundred selections in prose and verse by Longfellow, Whittier, 
T. W. Higginson, Will Carlton, F. H. Gassaway, Tennyson, Bret Harte, 
Irwin Russell, Arthur Sketchley, Buhver-Lytton, O. W. Holmes, Southey, 
Samuel Lover, J. M.. Bailey, Theodore Parker, Thackeray, M. Quad, 
Fitzjames O'Brien, William Cullen Bryant and others. Over 200 pages. 
Price, 2^ cents 



ENCORE PIECES 

And Other Recitations 
Seventy-three selections in prose and verse by Paul Laurence Dunbar, 
Carolyn Wells, Ackland Von Boyle, Charles Follen Adams, Hans Breit- 
mann, F. H. Gassaway, Nora Perry, J. W. Kelley, Belle Marshall Locke, 
S. A. Frost and others. 210 pages. 

Price, 2_5 cents 



THE SLACKER 

A Patriotic Play in One Act 

By Jewell Bothwcll Tull 
Two male, seven female characters. Scene, an interior; costumeSf 
modern and military. Plays forty minutes. Tlie hero, beyond the draft 
age, has not enlisted because he deems it to be his widowed mother's wish 
and his sweetheart's preference, as well as his own duty not to do so. He 
tries on the uniform of a fiiend who is going, "just to be in it once," and 
being discovered, finds to his surprise that both his mother and his fiancee 
have been miserable under the charge that he is a " slacker " and are re- 
joiced to have him make good. Picturesque, patriotic, dramatic — an ideal 
play for a Red Cross Entertainment. Strongly recounnended. 
Price, 2J cents 

CHARACTERS 
Grant Moore. Mrs. Smith, his mother. 

Mrs. Moore, his mother. Ella Brown, his sweetheart. 

Betty Caldwell, his fiancee. Mrs. Ralph. 
Benny Smith, a young lieu- Mrs. Elton, 
tenant. Mrs. Jones. 

Other ladies and girls of the Marsville Red Cross Society^ 

A ROMANCE IN PORCELAIN 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Rudolph Raphael 
Three males, one female. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. 
Plays twenty minutes, Cecilia and Clarence, engaged to marry, resort to 
Dr, Spencer before the knot is tied to secure a new upper set. Their troub- 
les in concealing their errand from each other reach a climax when both 
sets are stolen and the truth has to come out. Very funny and heartily 
recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

A PROFESSIONAL VISIT 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Rudolph Raphael 
Two males, one female. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. James 
Winthrop, impecunious, calls upon his old friend, Dr. Raleigh, also hard 
up, to discuss the situation, and ends by getting engaged to the Doctor's 
landlady, a rich widow, who calls to collect the rent. Very swift work. 
Recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

THE GO-BETWEEN 

A Dramatic Comedy Playlet 

By Harry L. Newton 

One male, two females. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 

twenty minutes. Hezekiah, jilted on the eve of his wedding to Muriel, a 

heartless adventuress, who has ruined him, is rescued from suicide by 

Jane, a country sweetheart, in a capital little piece, mingling humor and 

pat]<os most adroitly. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 2j cents 



THE AIR-SPY 

A War Play in Tliree Acts 

By Mamfield Scoit 
Twelve males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single in- 
terior. Plays an hour and a half. Royally, ^lo.oo for first, ^5.00 for 
subsequent performances by same cast ; free for school performance. In- 
spector Steele, of the Secret Service, sets his wits against those of German 
emissaries in their plot against Dr. Treadwell's air ship, a valuable war 
invention, and baffles them after an exciting pursuit. An easy thriller, 
full of patriotic interest. Easy to get up and very effective. Strongly 
recommended for school performance. Originally produced by The 
Newton (Mass.) High School. 

Price, 2j cents 

CHARACTERS 
Dr. Henry Trkadwell, mventor of the Giant Air-ship, 
ViCTOK Lawrence, his pretended friend— a German spy. 
Harold Felton, of the United States Army. 
Carleton Evekton, a young Englishman. 
Karf- Schoneman, of the German Secret Service. 
Franz Muller, his assistant. 
Arthur Merrill, also of the United States Army. 
Inspector Malcome Steele, of the United States Secret Service. 
Henry Gootner, a German agent. 
Francis Drury, one of TreadweW s guests. 
Corporal Thayer. 
Private Freeman. 

Ruth Treadwell, TreadweW s daughter. 
Muriel Lawrence, Lawrence's daughter. 
Mrs. Treadwell. 
Margaret Linden, afriendofRutKs. 

The Time. — America's second summer in the war. 
The Place. — A deserted mansion on a small island near East- 
port, Maine. 

SYNOPSIS 
Act I. The afternoon of June loth. 
Act II. The evening of September 21st. 

Act III. Scene i. The afternoon of the next day. About 1:30. 
Sce7ie 2. An hour later. 

ART CLUBS ARE TRUMPS 

A Play in One Act 
By Mary Monciire Parker 
Twelve females. Costumes of (890 with one exception ; scene, a single 
easy interior. Plays thirty minutes. Describes the trials of an ambitious 
woman who desired to form a club in the early days of club life for 
women about thirty years ago, before the days of telephones and auto- 
mobiles. A capital play for ladies' clubs or for older women in general. 
The costumes are quaint and the picture of life in the year of the Chicago 
World's Fair offers an amusing contrast to the present. Reconnnended. 
Price, 2j cents 



^ 





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